Adam Findley returns with the “definitive” FATCast quote countdown for 2013. Do you really want to know what came first? Really?!
I have a serious problem…
Ever since February 25th 2013 I have developed an addiction to the Low Fat Gaming podcast, affectionally known as the FATCast, (thats ‘Fat’ in CAPITALS with a CAPITAL ‘C’ and lowercase ’ast’-write it down properly, learn to hand). The mix of gaming content, Dark Souls, internationally diverse speakers, The Next Generation, swearing, Dark Souls, demeaning, Next Gen and Dark Souls, back-patting, more Dark Souls, belitting, back-stabbing, ego-shagging, TV & Film, Xbox One & PS4, Literature, Dark Souls, Dark Souls, Dark Souls and Cam combine to create a pleasant, hilarious, well-informed, weird, disturbing and downright disquieting 90-180 minutes.
Before spending countless man hours recording and compiling the inane banter of these 3-5 freelance gaming journalists I never realised how furtively narcissistic David Green is about his name, this site and his education (eh? – Ed) or how strong Matt Reynolds’ blatant pirate fetish (wha? – Ed) is or the perverted (some might say, almost psychopathic) traits of young Cameron John Harris (fair point – Ed) or even the aspiration egotism of Doug McCormack’s rise to FATCast fame (nailed it – Ed).
But not Bill Boreham. That train wreck of misery was to be expected. He’s Australian.
So sit back and relax into fifty counts of malicious yet heart-warming, Judas-ing, courtesy of Adam Needs-To-Get-Out-More Findley… (To Ed: Can I get a gold sequin jacket? I feel I need a sparkly gameshow jacket…)
Here we go… The BIG ONES.
10:“I forget the bit in Alien where Sigourney Weaver’s running around in her pants and then she comes round a corner and the Alien’s just sitting there, in the middle of the floor, taking a shit or something. Fondling his chittalous penis…” [FC1]
No-one could have predicted how bad Aliens: Colonial Herpes would be when it was released early last year. Not even Gearbox. Probably. Not. The gorgeous… screen tearing, the genius-ly bad AI’s, the so modern you’ll believe its 2001 again graphics and the poisonous further dilution of an already tired franchise that didn’t really have a Halley’s Hope in hell of actually being any good.
9:“…I wanna see a next gen game where you play as a Krogan, it’s erm… a Kinect 2.0 game, and all you’re doing is, you’ve got to attempt to breed and err… outdo the genophage. So it’s just a Kinect hip-thrusting game.” [FC2]
Following talk about the Omega and Citadel Mass Effect 3 DLC packs, Matt came out with this belter of a spin-off-come-pseudosequel. I would play that. Alone, by myself whilst my family slept soundly upstairs. What? That’s not weird. Bring back your children… It was Matt’s idea!
8: “Running this website is HARD. WORK.” [FC12]
Aah… at last, Dave tells us the unrelenting truth.
7: “…Ol’ Pixel Tits just jumping about…” “Polygon Tits and a square arse. Jumping, missing the edges of platforms…” [FC2]
Pre-2013 Lara Croft was always an underline unsettling affair. Initially a figurehead of 90’s feminist freedom or just sick teenage boys gaming wet dream, Tomb Raider’s reputation had been somewhat spoiled (or improved depending on your viewpoint) but the increasingly slutty depictions of her in dental floss bikinis, black dresses and even fabled, “in the nude”, carrying out more and more blockbuster action movie quests as opposed to the traditional small open-world puzzle room ones. Enter Pratchett’s portrayal of a young woman trapped on a harsh and unforgiving island and forced to kill and maim, just in order to survive.
6: “If we get to any like psychotic encampment where they’ve just gone crazy and just like, rape anything going, he’s quite a young, attractive lad so, we can offer him up.”“He probably squeals like an angel.”[FC6]
As a young, socially awkward, tall, hairy man by the name of Adam Findley posed a simple question on LFG’s zombie plan, little did he know it would end up with Bill dead and Cameron being subjected to such cruel treachery? Or enticing improvement of events, who’s really to say what turns Cam on?
5: “…guitarwanking…” [FC3]
In an earlier Lowdown, I wrongly assumed Matt was the first utter this goliath of a swear word when in fact, on a speech about shit licensed movie soundtracks DAVE compared some overeager instrumental music as someone “guitarwanking” over it. The statement was just brilliant but I still can’t get the images out of my head. So yeah, thanks Dave…
4:“Matt’s died.” “Hello?” “I think he’s dead… >short pause< That’s it. He’s dead.” [FC1]
Ever the optimist, Bill had already starting writing the obituary, eulogy and much of the gravestone engraving when Matt’s Internet connection dropped out, mid sentence, in FATCast1.
3: “…I like kids, a lot.” [FC9]
Cameron, Cameron, Cameron… Cam John Harris everyone! In an attempt to reduce the flames I shall explain, although I don’t know if I really want to. In a conversation about who else they would like to be in the group given the chance, Cam wished to be Matt because, amongst other things, he wanted to experience fatherhood.
2: “And I like playing myself.” [FC9]
GODDAMIT CAM! I give you a chance to explain yourself and this is how you repay me? You know what? I’m not going to do it. You hear me? I GIVE UP! Explain your own damn mess…
1: “You must have got up on the wrong side of bed, this morning.”“Nah, he’s just a PC gamer.” [FC3]
It had to be really, didn’t it? Fed up with Bill’s constant apathy to Microsoft and Sony next generation talk, Dave and Matt gave him a piece of their minds. So much so, was their moment of ridicule that long term fans of LFG will remember this quote became somewhat of a unofficial slogan of the Facebook page for about a week afterwards.
There you have it. Until next year, get on with the rest of your lives…
– Adam Findley