Low Fat Gaming and Friday Feeling is usually full of love. Not today. The team have cast their gaze across the gaming landscape and singled out franchises that displease them. Franchises that we wish would go away and never, ever sully our gaming rigs of choice again. Read on…
Call of Duty – Cameron John Harris
Eugh, COD; the game you all say you hate, when really; it’s all you bloody play. You go to work, school or a social event, you start talking about games; the conversation gets in-depth, and you’re talking about how much you love the ‘art’ in games, or the ‘sound design’ of great titles such as, Deus Ex, when really – you’re only to return home to slip into your disc tray that copy of Call Of Duty Black Ops 2. You know you do it, you know you love it. The franchise is the most overrated piece of undeserved garbage. The story is generic and weak, the multiplayer the same as the last ones and the graphics are ugly. Yet you seem not to notice? One word comes to mind when I think Call Of Duty; recycling. But the shit kind of recycling, the kind of recycling where someone recycles a turd, because they believe generations to come will benefit from it. That’s what COD is. It’s a fucking recycled turd. It’s the gaming equivalent of The X-Factor or Twilight. It’s overrated bullSHIT and, it needs to die. Horribly.
Assassin’s Creed – Bill Boreham
Assassin’s Creed. It’s a series that was once centered around assassinating, however, as the years went by, and more games were created, UbiSoft began to lose sight of their original vision. Slowly, the main focus of the series drifted away, and in its place we were given collectibles, mini-games, paintings, ships and animals to hunt. It’s a series that has lost all creativity. Why? Money, of course. Like Call of Duty, it will continue to be made until every last cent has been squeezed out of it, then it will be taken out the back and shot. It’s obvious from Assassin’s Creed IV’s trailer that NOTHING has changed, they’ve simply taken a piece of shit, then painted it gold, and people are finally starting to notice.
UbiSoft no longer care about Assassins Creed, so why should we continue to play it?
Saint’s Row – Matt Reynolds
No matter how many copies it sells, no matter how much bigger the budget is, no matter how many people sing its praises, Saint’s Row will always be pure, festering excrement. B grade developer Volition are incapable of making a game to match the quality of other urban sandboxers, no matter how hard they try. The engine is wobbly, the graphics are terrible, IT’S NOT FUNNY. The third game was actually worse quality than the second, and yet the unwashed masses still lap this shit up like an untrained puppy eating feces from under a park bench. Please, just put it in a sack and throw it in the river, for all our sakes.
Gran Turismo – Dave Green
Does anyone, ANYWHERE, actually care about Gran Turismo anymore? Here’s the deal; it has ALWAYS been overrated, it has ALWAYS been dull and, as sim racers go, has long since been lapped by the superior Forza. I had to be reminded the other day that Gran Turismo 6 had been announced for PS3 this year – my only reply was “Why?”. Every new Gran Turismo suffers delay after delay until when it finally IS released, it’s already old hat. Sure, it always looks nice, but is that enough? I’d rather watch fucking paint dry than play another entry in this series. Sony, please put it to bed and try something new for a change.
Mario – Cameron John Harris
“It’s me, Mario” – Fuck off, Mario. I asked you to fix my plumbing not commit mass genocide to most of the wildlife outside, you knob. Yes, maybe you belong inside my DS, Gameboy or iPhone, but no way in hell, do you belong in my massive 50’ TV; that’s where the big boys go, and frankly, you’re just a shitty little platformer, and I would only buy you if you were £5… What? You want £45 off me? Other people actually buy you? Why? All you are, Mario is a little sprite who jumps on mushrooms, no way are you worth anything. I can’t believe there is a demand for you in this current generation, because, to me – You should have left this world when the Nintendo DS died. You no longer belong here. Fix my pipes, for a fiver, yeah – For £45? Fuck yourself.
LEGO Games – Bill Boreham
I’ve never liked LEGO, let’s just get that bombshell out the way. There’s nothing interesting about a LEGO block, it’s just a piece of plastic, you take one piece, then connect it to another, then another, then another, until you’ve created some hideous piece of shit. When I first heard that a LEGO Star Wars game was being made, I knew dark days were coming, and I was right. Walk into your local game store and look around, LEGO games are everywhere: Star Wars, Indiana Jones, Harry Potter – the list goes on and on. The LEGO games aren’t any good, they trick you with their cute voices and tiny block-sized light-sabers, but underneath, they’re an evil creature! They’re badly designed, humorless pieces of garbage that continue to be produced and placed everywhere. They must be stopped.
Silent Hill – Matt Reynolds
Welcome to Silent Hill. We’ve been expecting you…mostly because this is roughly the 400th time you’ve been here. Once an artistic, measured, thoughtful series counterpoint to the bombast of Resident Evil, the law of diminishing returns has seen each sequel become less and less scary, shoehorning in old references for the sake of fan service rather than coherence of plot and world building. While the recent sequels are still enjoyable in their own way, the series has lost what made it so special. And really, how many times can you encounter a bloke with a fanny for a head before it becomes tiresome? Silent Hill needs to be put out to pasture like the toothless old fuck it really is.
Resident Evil – Dave Green
I used to love Resident Evil. I really did. I bought EVERY game on EVERY format – I’ve even seen all the films. Now I couldn’t give a flying fuck. Problem is, Capcom don’t know what Resident Evil IS anymore! Is it a survival horror? Is it an action game? Is it a Gears of fucking War clone? What we get is the hideous Frankenstein’s monster of game that was Resident Evil 6 as Capcom frantically try to please everyone and failing in the process. Here’s a tip – KILL IT and stop getting our hopes up with promises of the series “returning to its roots”, I’ve had enough.